Mum of 1.
Am I happy being a mum of 1? I had always imagined having a big family, 3 was the golden number, hoping for, no more than 3 years between each of the siblings. Loved being pregnant with my daughter, and never thought I would not experience it all again. It feels really hard to put what is in my head into words without sounding selfish. Health wise I am fine so it is not that although I am not as young as I was, turned 38 just over a week ago. Still young enough to have more.
Feelings of Guilt
I feel so guilty and ungrateful when I feel so broody some days it hurts. So I block it out and laugh it off I have to. I have an amazing little girl, spirited and talkative, thoughtful and caring; I could go on and on. Yet I always planned for her world to have brothers or sisters or both. She is not bothered, a fact she tells me quite often she loves being my one and only. She definitely would not want to share me. But would you not love someone to play with I ask her? Nah is always her reply not if I have to share you.
Of course, I worry about years down the line when I am not here for her anymore. Of course there is no guarantee she would be close to her siblings anyway. She could have a friendship group that is even closer.
If I had fallen pregnant when she was 2 or around that age then she would know no different. That was not to be, basically, my husband was the one who decided one was enough, and we couldn’t afford anymore. A number of people who have suggested I could get pregnant “accidentally” after all what could he do about it after. Sadly that just shows how little people actually know me.
Some days I am so exhausted from Amelia I wonder what in hell’s name I am thinking ever wanting more.
I will make peace with this I have too, it is just taking a lot longer than I thought it would.